Writing in the time of Coronavirus

I’ve just been re-reading my blog post from New Year’s Eve; a halcyon time when I was optimistic about 2020. I was going to buy my own flat, book a trip to New Zealand for Easter 2021 and get the novel into a decent-enough shape that I could seek feedback from friends around the time of my 40th birthday. Unsurprisingly I’m zero for three on those fronts – why could that possibly be? Oh yeah, the whole global pandemic thing. At least it’s a good excuse, right?

It’s hard to know what to say about the whole Covid thing. Since the start of lockdown in March I’ve been contemplating doing some kind of blog post about it, as I feel like I need to document my experience in some way, but then I also recognise the ways in which I’m privileged (I can easily work from home, my job’s relatively secure, I’m an introvert and like spending time at home on my own…) and I talk myself out of it. I’ve still been keeping my own notes though, by emailing random thoughts to myself, so I’m now going to sum up my Covid experience (so far) in bulletpoint form:

    • General contemplation and fear of death in a new and terrifying way
    • Woohoo I get to work from home
    • The thought of just going outside is scary, but then when I do see people (delivery people etc.) it feels like everything’s normal
    • At what point will I start missing going outside? I feel like I’m at odds with the vast majority of people. Is there something wrong with me? Maybe I’m stronger than I think. More resilient, at least. Or possibly just weird.
    • It’s hard to concentrate on things – work’s okay as I need to get that done, but I feel like I should be reading and writing more. Instead I’m either on social media or I’m trying to switch off from everything.
    • There’s an emptiness; an inability to really take it all in. Denial, I guess. It doesn’t seem real – I’ll have moments in meetings at work where it all seems like a dream. Like a shared delusion.
    • I feel guilty at turning down invitations to meet up with people, but I just don’t feel comfortable with it yet. I need to get better at saying no and not feeling crippling guilt or like I need to defend myself with a million arguments to back up my decision. This is actually one of the themes in the novel I’m writing – the characters are better at taking my advice than I am.
    • How do I still manage to concoct anxiety for myself and why are my obsessive-compulsive tendencies flaring up? I’m not a fan of this.
    • It’s felt like a bit of a break from life, even though in some ways things haven’t been that different. It’s like permission to not plan too far ahead or to feel like you’re failing/missing out if you’re not doing that much. That’s starting to change a bit now, but still, it’s felt like breathing space. Like when pretentious people say they’re going to ‘find themselves’ – a bit like that, but without travelling to Tibet or something. Or like I’m a monk – content with more simple pleasures. Except they probably spend less time watching YouTube or buying things on Ebay.
    • It’s been almost six months and I’m still kinda fine with rarely going outside. I’m definitely weird. I wonder how long I could keep this up…

So yes, that’s my experience of the last 6 months in summary. In terms of what I’ve actually been doing during that time – well, I’ve still been working full-time, plus the situation’s led to additional work, so that’s kept me busy and maintained a level of normalcy that’s definitely helped. In my free time I’ve enjoyed various online events – quizzes and comedy shows, mostly. Watching Jason Manford playing Broken Sword (one of my favourite computer games) and getting to interact with him via YouTube chat, is definitely one of the more surreal experiences I’ve had. I feel like I’ve spent more time in Jason Manford’s bedroom than is probably appropriate. But it’s been great to have that kind of direct contact (not physically, obviously) with comedians and musicians. Personal highlights have included Mark Morriss’ gigs from his new house; David Ford’s gigs from his garage; Josh Widdicombe doing online gigs that aren’t really gigs, as he doesn’t really want to be doing online gigs, but keeps agreeing to do them to help friends out, so I’ve seen him quiz people via Zoom, plus go through the notes on his phone of some initial ideas for a future show (which were great and hopefully will make it into a future show); Sara Pascoe doing an online book launch; all of the Covid Comedy gigs I’ve seen (especially the quiz); the Beautiful Small Machines livestreamed gig (not sure I’ll ever get to see them in person, so loved this); and the parts of Mark Watson’s Watsonathon that I saw (especially the Go 8 Bit playalong, that was so much fun). Also a shoutout to MB Quizzes and the Britpop Curious quiz – I hope they’ll keep going for a while yet.

I’ve also been enjoying having some money to spare. I keep feeling like I should be saving it – whether towards flat-buying or a future NZ trip – but when there’s little to specifically look forward to, it’s nice to revel in some online retail therapy. Usually any disposable income disappears on tickets to gigs / comedy shows / theatre etc. I’ve still been trying to support those things where possible, through online shows and fundraisers etc., but it’s also been nice to be able to treat myself to things like new clothes, skincare products, books etc. On the clothes-buying front, I’ve recently been developing a habit of buying jackets on Ebay. This seems particularly mad as I’m so rarely going out, but I’m blaming Smallville for this. I’ve been rewatching it and seem to spend most of my time coveting the jackets of the female characters. My outerwear aesthetic is apparently mid-00s fashions. I’ve also gotten slightly addicted to watching unboxing videos of subscription boxes on YouTube. Initially clothing ones (which I did blog about, but the blog post got lost in the switchover to the new website style), then more recently beauty boxes, including advent calendars, for some reason. I’ve always been a bit rubbish with beauty and makeup stuff – it’s not really been my thing – but I’m quite enjoying the whole skincare / pamper type thing at the moment. I’m still rubbish with makeup, though. I’ve also bought a few book subscription boxes, as felt quite uninspired by a lot of the unread books on my shelf – particularly the fiction ones. A lot of them are cast-offs from my ex, and although he had good taste in fiction, they just feel so dated and unappealing to me right now. So I’ve embraced various subscription boxes:

Books That Matter – A feminist subscription box that also includes some extra items from female creatives. I bought the July box, which included Three Women by Lisa Taddeo. I finished reading that this week and enjoyed it. I didn’t totally love it, like I thought I might, but I found it really engaging – particularly Maggie’s story, which most of the book seemed to focus on, happily. I also bought their one-off Book And Treats box, which included three books: How Do You Like Me Now? by Holly Bourne (I’m planning to read this next), How To Be Autistic by Charlotte Amelia Poe and The Haunting Of Strawberry Water by Tara Gould. None of which are books that I would likely have come across or bought otherwise, so I’m excited to read them all.

Rare Birds Book Club – I\’ve gotten the August box, plus the September one’s on its way. I’m saving them to open on my birthday, though, so don’t know what’s in them yet. They also specialise in female authors, though it’s specifically books that are recently published, and they give you a choice of 2 books (based on a brief blurb – you don’t get titles or authors or anything). For the August one I found it hard to choose as neither sounded like books I’d usually buy, but then I guess that’s partly the point. For September it was hard to choose as both sounded great. One appealed to me slightly more, though, so I went for that. Excited to find out what they are.

Reposed – They focus on recently-published contemporary literary fiction, plus you get some pamper-type treats too. Like with Rare Birds Books, I’ve also bought the August and September boxes but won’t open them until my birthday. I’m hoping the September one will arrive in time. No options or hints with this one though, so it will be a total mystery.

As I mentioned in my bullet-point brain vomit earlier, I struggled to focus on any reading or writing in the earlier months of the pandemic. Thankfully, though, it’s recently gotten to a point where I do feel able to do those things again. And yes, that includes the novel writing, which is what this blog post was actually meant to be about, but like me it’s gotten a bit off-course. For a while the only work I did on it was the ocassional late-night email to myself, as something would occur to me as I was trying to get to sleep. I’m quite often hit by inspiration then, which is very inconvenient. Another popular and inconvenient place that inspiration strikes is when I’m in the shower. I then need to try and keep it in my head until I can get to a computer (trying not to drip water everywhere in the process). A favourite one recently was when I came up with a whole new ending to the novel as I was sat on the toilet. And I wasn’t even on the toilet that long (possibly TMI). I thought I’d need to spend most of the afternoon brainstorming ways in which I could improve the ending, so when it suddenly seemed so obvious, it was rather exciting. It’s rare that going to the toilet feels quite so productive and in need of celebrating (though that’s probably for the best). So yes, I’ve now started work on my new ending, plus I’m then planning one more rewrite before I deem it acceptable for other people to actually read. My original target for that was next week, but I’m now aiming for the end of the year. Maybe I could send it to people to start reading in that awkward inbetween-Christmas-and-New-Year period. Assuming the actual apocolaypse hasn’t happened by then, with the way 2020’s going. I have to say, I’ve never been more grateful to have decided to set my novel in 2015. At the time it was because I didn’t want to have to deal with Brexit, but now it turns out that would have been the least of my worries.

I re-read some earlier chapters of my novel recently and really enjoyed them, in a totally egotistical and self-congratulatory way. I did notice that there’s an awful lot of alcohol consumption in it, though. I mean, write what you know, right? Maybe it could be part-novel part-drinking-game. Drink along with the characters and get completely smashed before you’re even half-way through. I’m looking forward to other people finally getting to read it (with or without the drinking). I feel like it’s a book I’d personally enjoy reading, but as we’ve already established I’m weird and at odds with most of society, so it’s not a given that other people will actually enjoy it. I’m aware that it’s quite dialogue-heavy (as it’s one of my favourite things to both read and write), plus I don’t spend much time describing peoples’ appearances or physical surroundings (as personally I find that really dull to read and would rather conjure my own mental images), but it’s hopefully got some wit and intrigue and maybe some heart (plus a hell of a lot of booze).